You Can Reduce Hostility By Changing Your Language

Hi there, and welcome to the best communication show, I’m your host, Bill Lampton the biz communication guy, bringing you communication tips and strategies that will boost your business because you and I together, learn winning words and ways. One of the things that you and I will agree on whatever else we might disagree on, is that there is so much hostility going on. In fact, I jotted down some of the very hot topics that people are talking about today, the topics that are keeping the emotions very high. And I just want to share a few of them. And I know you could think of 15 or 20, more just as I could. These topics, of course, result in name calling disputes, sometimes loss of friendship, and amazingly, even divisions within the family. The ones I jotted down political preferences, homelessness, gender identity, abortion, racial bias, criminal justice, and Border Protection. And I know that even as I was talking, you thought of 10 or 12 more topics that are dividing us so much now. And they divide us so much that we are angry. We are contesting we are defending our opinion, we are saying I’m right. My opinion, is the only opinion. And I’m not listening to yours. That, of course, just aggravates the conflict. So we’re going to talk for a few minutes and think together for a few minutes about how we can reduce conflict, tension. And sometimes in extreme cases, even violence, how we can reduce that by changing our language. I’m wonder if you’ve ever had the privilege of reading Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography. I’ve referred to it many times.

If you have not read it, I encourage you to related to what we’re talking about. Listen to what Benjamin Franklin had to say about the early ways that he expressed his opinion and then how he expressed them later on, and how the results changed. He says a Quaker friend kindly informed me that I was generally thought proud that my pride showed itself frequently in conversation, that I was not content with being in the right when discussing any point, but was overbearing, and rather insolent. And he said his Quaker friend, prove that to him by mentioning several conversations that he’d had with Franklin. So Benjamin Franklin, wisely recognize that he needed to make some changes in the way he spoke to people about topics that were disturbing them. He said, I made it a real true, forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertion of my own. And so he started changing his wording, instead of saying, certainly, and undoubtedly, he started saying, I conceive, I apprehend are I imagine a thing to be so? He said it he found the advantage of this change in my manners. The conversations I engaged in, went on more pleasantly the modest way in which I proposed my opinions, procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. And so he said, for the next 50 years of his life, he made no dogmatic statements, no dogmatic statements, which were say, This is it. I’m right. You’re wrong, no discussion.

So one of the changes that we can make in our language is what Ben Franklin alluded to. And Dr. Wayne Dyer on a more contemporary level said that if we’re really Want to improve all of our relationships, one of the things we need to do is just give up the need to be right. That’s pretty difficult. In fact, just trying to give up being the need to be right, try to give that up for a few hours a day, and then see if we can make it a pattern. All right, that type of language change. We understand by now. And we can follow Ben Franklin’s event advice and his example on his illustration. Also, there are provocative stimulating questions we can ask, when we are in a dispute with somebody about one of the topics I mentioned are some other topic, there are three questions we can ask. And these are very stimulating, provocative, and can lead us away from arguments and to consensus and, and maybe miraculously, sometimes even into agreement. The first question is, why do you feel that way? You say, most of the time when somebody states an opposing opinion to us are impulsive, just to react, respond, argue, contest what they said, but it would really open things up if we said, Why do you feel that way? When we asked the question, we must be sincere and asking it, we need to be patient, we need to be listening. And when another individual starts explaining his or her point of view, instead of interrupting, instead of saying, No, that’s not right. And instead of saying, I don’t agree with that, let them have their full say, this, this is a remarkable way to show respect. And when you show respect for another’s opinion, however different it is, from yours, you open the way to much more constructive conversation and relationships and productivity. So that’s the first question. Why is it you feel that way? Will you please explain that to me the second question, now, would you please let me express my opinion on the topic. Chances are very good that if you were a keen listener, if you were courteous if you were patient, if you did not contest, what was being said, when the other person was giving his or her opinion, chances are very good, that they will listen to your opinion. And so a two way conversation has really started and stead of this anger. In fact, we can begin to keep cool, now we can be cool. And we can be smiling. Why are we cool? And why are we smiling when we were so hot a few minutes ago, because we have created a situation of respect and open exchange without combat. And then third question. And we have paved the way for it by the first two questions.
The third question is, what topics? What themes? What opinions do you think we have in common? What is it there that we can agree on? Amazed amazingly, when we are very far apart, were polarized and talking to somebody else. Amazingly. After we’ve asked these first two questions, we can then move ahead and say, Okay, here’s what you said. Here’s what I said. What common ground can we find? Surprisingly, even and even in cases where we say there could not be any movement of his or her opinion are our opinion. Amazingly, we can find that happen if we search for common ground. Now, let me conclude by saying that I’m not a daydreamer. I’m not just an idealist. What I’m sharing with you now, Benjamin Franklin’s approach, Wayne Dyer’s approach the three questions what I’m sharing with you now? worked very well. For me during my 20 years in management at the vice presidential level, and also these formulas I have shared with many major corporations and small businesses and individuals as well. In every case, this is not meant just a panacea, it really has worked. So, take my word for it, take my word for it, that it does work. And we can use this these language changes to move into some type of improved relationship. I will be eager to know how this works for you. I invite you to go now to my YouTube channel. Bill Lampton PhD, when you go to the search bar on YouTube, type that in, that’s my YouTube moniker Bill Lampton PhD. And once you get to my channel, hit that subscribe button, you’ll not only have access to this video, but you’ll have access to many instructional videos that I’ve been posting since 2004, which will help all of us strengthen our communication after all, I’m the biz communication guy. Make sure while you’re there, you subscribe. And of course, this video will be there as well.

Next, I invite you to go to my website as the biz communication guy, it’s quite logical that my website is biz bi Z. Biz communication And notice while you’re on my website, that you have options there on how to subscribe to my podcast. If you’re not already subscribed to my podcast, go to my website and do that. Additionally, take a look please at the services that I provide for corporations and leaders. And then when you’ve done that, I want you to please give me a call 678-316-4300 Again, that’s 678-316-4300 I will want to talk with you about your communication problems and challenges. We can explore and an initial no obligation no cost conversation, we can explore your communication challenges and problems and talk about how I can help you find solutions to them. So give me a call. And I want to thank each of you for being with us again on the biz communication show. On the video version are on the on the podcast version invites you to be with us for every edition of the biz communication show where you will get valuable communication tips and strategies that will build your business through winning words and ways. Thanks again. I’m Bill Lampton the biz communication guy

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